The winners of the 2012 Oscars have already been announced. Those lucky men and women have already gone off, gleaming statuettes in hand, to jump from celeb-filled party to celeb-filled party and learn how to carry a champagne glass in one hand and an Academy Award in the other without spilling the former and breaking the latter.
But the official winners' list only tells part of the story of Sunday night's show. There were nipples that might have slipped, legs that poked bizarrely out and an ash-filled urn malfunction on the red carpet. There were front-runners who fell short and dark horses who pulled out unexpected victories. Who were the true winners and losers at the Oscars this year? Let's take a look...
Winner: Billy Crystal
Hauled out from some cryogenic awards-show freezer where time does not pass and wrinkles are not allowed to crease one's face, Crystal emerged onto the Oscar stage for the ninth time ... and didn't make us fall asleep. Much to our surprise, he was consistently funny (and at times, shockingly and thankfully, a tad mean), and delivered a bunch of LOL-worthy video bits.
Loser: Anne Hathaway and James Franco
Remember when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences thought it needed to get all edgy, recruiting two hot young things to helm the biggest night in Hollywood? Hollywood, in turn, hated them. The ghosts of Hathaway and Franco's phoned-in performances could be seen every time Crystal belted out a parody tune or a Borscht Belt zinger to the sustained guffaws of his audience.
Winner: Jennifer Lopez's nipple
It was the singer's most talked-about release in at least a decade. And it may not have actually, ya know, been released from beneath her dress.
Loser: Angelina Jolie's right leg
'Cause, seriously, that was just weird.
Winner: The screenwriter who made fun of Angelina Jolie's right leg
After the "Descendants" won Best Adapted Screenplay, Jim Rash (who also happens to be a series regular on "Community") took to the stage and thrust his leg out in silent, searing mockery of Jolie's prominently displayed body part.
Winner: Emma Stone
She can sing, she can bust into an awesome old-timey voice, she can make fun of Ben Stiller and he'll just take it. The evening was filled with surprisingly funny presenters, but Stone's shtick won the night. Casting directors, listen up: Get that girl a big-screen musical stat!
Winner: Octavia Spencer
Long an awards-season darling, "The Help" ended up only nabbing a single Oscar. Best Supporting Actress winner Spencer made the best of the opportunity, breaking down in tears during a heartfelt acceptance speech in which she thanked everyone from her castmates to the state of Alabama.
Loser: Meryl Streep
Though she won Best Actress — which, according to our estimates, was the 37th Oscar win of her career — even Streep herself appeared sheepish to have swiped the category away from front-runner Viola Davis.
Winner: Sacha Baron Cohen
Handed the gift of a temporary ban from the Academy because he planned to walk the red carpet as his character from "The Dictator," Baron Cohen played the PR war game perfectly, releasing an amusing YouTube video before the show and then, after the Academy relented, spilling the faux-ashes of Kim Jong Il on Ryan Seacrest during a red-carpet interview.
Loser: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
The academy not only proved it had no sense of humor when it banned Baron Cohen, but showed it had no spine when it reinstated him and ended up posting his image on the front page of its Oscar website.
Loser: Michael Douglas
While it was great to see Douglas out on stage and looking so healthy after his battle with cancer, everyone was disappointed that his dad wasn't the one standing in front of the cameras. Then 94-year-old Kirk Douglas' show-stealing intro at last year's Oscars was bizarre and uncomfortable and kinda amazing.
Winner: Zach Galifianakis' inability to pronounce Zach Galifianakis' name
The white tux-clad presenter, perhaps reaching out to Michel Hazanavicius, his brother in unpronounceable surnames, butchered his own family name in the middle of a memorable bit with Will Ferrell.
Winner: The women of "Bridesmaids"
They may not have won an award, but their continuing bit about a Martin Scorsese drinking game was hilarious. And the fact that they were able to bring some humor to the shorts categories — comparing them to the male anatomy — was an impressive feat.
Loser: Bradley Cooper's mustache
Cooper might be the reigning Sexiest Man Alive, but his lip fuzz stood out as the night's creepiest collection of facial hair.
Loser: Bubba Smith
Every year, a handful of beloved actors are left off Oscar's "In Memoriam" montage. In 2012, poor Bubba Smith, who memorably played Hightower in the "Police Academy" movies and who passed away in August at the age of 66, didn't make the cut.